I don’t understand.

November 30, 2009 at 8:51 pm (1)

Last night, I couldn’t fall asleep, because my house was really loud until 4am, which should probably be starting to piss me off, but it isn’t.

I woke up, after an unfairly short sleep, to my girlfriend calling me to tell me that I need to wake up and go apply for jobs, because I don’t have one, and I need one, because I’m poor as shit. On one hand, I got to hear her voice first thing. However, it was also an unfortunate reminder as to how much money effects me, even though I hate it. My wake up this morning probably should have driven me insane, but it didn’t.

I took my parents car to go drive to the Starbucks where my old manager is now in charge, to see if I could possibly get a job there. It was sort of … my last option. They’re overstaffed and can’t afford to hire anyone right now, because the LTC strike has helped them to lose a lot of money in sales per week. That probably should have completely broken me down in fear, but it didn’t.

I drove to the bank to deposit the cheque I got from this weekend of playing guitar for the Starbright Christmas Show in Sarnia. Making as much money as I did (they pay really well) should have probably been ridiculously awesome, if it weren’t for the fact that I have to pay rent for tomorrow and I need to pay off my credit card. Pretty much every penny I made this weekend will be gone in the next two days. That should have probably been the worst realization … ever. But I didn’t even feel it.

Still at the bank, I leaned on the side of my foot like I sometimes do, and my shoe ripped in half. My favourite shoes, pretty much the only shoes that agree with my improperly healed broken foot (I know, woe is me), are now reaching the end of their life. This is definitely something that should make me feel even more useless, but it didn’t.

I don’t have money.

I don’t have a plan.

But what I do have is peace.

I don’t know how I have it, but I do.

I can’t explain it. I don’t understand it.

But it’s there.

On another note, I’ve been doing my best to compile a list of things I’ve been learning this year. My wonderful friend Karen did it when she took a year off, and I see now why she did it, because I really am learning a lot. And I think its even contributing to the whole peacefulness thing. Soooo stay tuned? Whatever. haha.



  1. Theresa said,

    That’s great Alex! I mean that you feel so at peace.. it’s an amazing characteristic to have to not freak out in situations like that. Things will look up for you I promise! They’re always up and down and sooner or later, you’ll find a job. Infact, I’m looking for one now as well.. have yet to really start.. but it’s a lot more difficult for me to get a job here then if I was in Canada.. but we’ll see how it goes. Good luck with everything. Keep me updated!

  2. Jennifer said,

    How wonderful to have peace, that feeling of calmness. Personally still searching for that. I did a similar thing to you. I listed my accomplishments for the year. When I feel lost I can look back on it and be proud of all of the things I have done.

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