The Glorious Unseen

March 16, 2010 at 3:29 am (1)

meaninglessIt doesn’t matter how hard I try, the sun will still set. The wind will still blow.

The sea will never politely say to the river, “Oh that’s more than enough, thank you, I’m quenched.”

There is nothing I can give this world that this world has not already seen.

I am a great musician. I am entirely committed to my craft. But I will never catch up to the greatness of my ambition. My song will never be sung to my satisfaction. At any point, the wisdom I have will never be enough.

What a burden for God to place on men.

I have friends and I have lovers. I enjoy many simple things. Good beer, good friends, good conversation. We have a very short time here on this earth, or so I have heard. It is in my wisdom, however, that I am driven to enjoy these things. It drives me to test the enjoyable things of people everywhere, just to see what of them are worthwhile.

I’ve written songs. I’ve written stories. I’ve written journal entries. I’ve played games. I’ve watched and participated in the successes of others. I’ve become the best at the things I do. I’ve been told that I can do anything I set my mind to, so I set my mind to things, and I did them. But they say nothing of my character. I am more than the sum of my accomplishments. And so my own attempt at expression, through music or through writing, has failed and continues to fail. Again, my song remains imperfectly sung. I have gained nothing through expression in itself.

It has occurred to me now that nothing I do will save me from my ultimate fate. My accomplishments, my pursuit of worldly happiness, my laughter, my tears, all amount to the same end as someone that has none of those things. I will die, as we all do, scared of what comes next. Scared, because I don’t know what the next step is. As we are all born, we will all die, foolish and brilliant alike.

Knowing this makes life hard.

All the things that I have done for myself … will be left behind for others when I’m gone. And I will be gone eventually. So there is one solution, I suppose. It is to shed myself of my apparent wisdom, for I am now wise of the fact that my wisdom amounts to nothing.

I can only enjoy what I have. Its all I can do. Live the few days that I have to the most of what they are, and what they are, are gifts. Gifts from a God who gives us the simple things to enjoy. My only hope, my one wish is that I may be so distracted by the joy in my heart for my work and the things that I have already, that I may be ignorant to reflecting on the days of my life.

In my few days, I’ve seen profound unfairness in practice in overwhelming ways. For people who spend all their time and their love amassing wealth, they will never enjoy it for themselves. I have seen the righteous fall and the evil prevail. While wisdom may sustain some of our happiness for the few days we have, it, like everything, is fleeting.

So what do we have then?

We have each other. We have living … right now. Without worrying about what effect this life has on the next.

Because Christ is risen. Everything is going to be okay.

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7 Comments

  1. Jennifer said,

    “I am more than the sum of my accomplishments”
    I love this. As a society we put value on people that are successful and then measure ourselves by that standard. This is something that I struggle with.
    Thanks.

    • whateverthatmeans said,

      thanks for reading, Jennifer. I struggle with it harder than I could ever describe. Why is it so hard to be happy with who we are? Hopefully we’ll struggle through to the other side of that question some day.

  2. QS said,

    Wow, you’re really in love with yourself, eh? Self-righteous douchebag.

  3. Matt said,

    Less Ecclesiastes, more beer! If it helps, I feel your angst–and if it doesn’t help, well screw you then lol jk. You know I’ll get told that I’m good at something and once I start to believe it and enjoying it I end up losing my self at the core of it; but enjoying my successes has been a key in becoming a more confident and stable person, but then is it still vanity or pride? I don’t know if this is making sense, but it’s like I’ll start to confuse what I produce and the me that’s producing it, they become identical/overlapped or something and I end up losing the self at the core of it all and I’m then only left with my work, and so I derive my self worth from my work and what people think of it, which causes me all sorts of suffering. But then at the same time, I can never find the me at the core of it all, I’m always just a step behind; all I ever have is what I produce and so maybe the suffering comes with it. But yeah see this is why I get confused cause now I’m in a tension again. That probably didn’t help, but hell, safety in numbers you know lol! You’ve probably seen this but check out the TED talk (www.ted.com) “Elisabeth Gilbert: A new way to think about creative genius” it’s wicked.

    P.S. dear QS, was that a serious comment, because if it was, you’re a douchebox for calling someone a douchebag when they are expressing their coming to terms with a creative life and the maddening tension that is life in general. By the way, so you don’t have to wikipedia it, a douchebox is bigger than a douchebag, therefore, I win lol jk; I’m not wanting to start anything–esspecially an argument about douche-receptacles–but seriously man/or woman, chill out and have some fun–unless that was for fun, in which case, cheers lol!

  4. whateverthatmeans said,

    haha!

    omgzzz comment waaaaaaaarrrrrr.

    Really though, thanks for that Matt. and “QS” for that matter. You’re absolutely right, I was expressing quite a bit of love for myself in that one. But that being said, I’d rather come to terms with loving myself a little bit than hate myself. I’d certainly hate hating myself. Which is what ends up happening a lot of the time. So I tend to do my best to avoid it.

    Self Righteous though, I don’t think I’m that. I rarely fully believe what I believe. I rarely actually think I’m fully right.

    And Matt, thanks for living in the tension with me! You’re right, safety in numbers. You’re an amazing friend.

  5. whateverthatmeans said,

    that said, maybe its time to start blogging again haha.

    • Matt said,

      NEVER!!! lol, when I have a good idea I’ll blog again, unless I blog about why I don’t have any good ideas to blog about, that’d be a good idea. lol. I will though, now that schools done.

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